Good Always Exists

       

...not some things, not the things that you can easily rationalize, EVERYthing. Speak life during every test, because it too shall come to pass. Even in the most consuming darkness, there is a light within you to guide your steps. Tap into that light within and you'll come to realize that that light alone is GOOD enough. Even when you can't clearly see where you're going, even when you can't see the end, EVEN when you don't get to stare the goodness right in the face, the good in everything still exists.

To Be Continued... [Pt. 2]

The first person I ever loved was my mom. The first person I ever lost was my mom. Before I could even grasp what loving a person meant, and before I could grasp what having a person love you unconditionally feels like, I was losing her. I mean, I guess you can say my father was my first loss since he wasn't really around, but there's just something about a person being so tangibly alive then just...not. Nothing else in this world feels like that.

It's been almost 15 years and I can still feel her presence, and not because I still feel her but because I don't feel her anymore. A part of me will always feel devoid of...something, and there's no feeling more pressing and more evident than emptiness. No person can fill it, no activity can distract from it, no emotion can overpower it; it's always there. But you know what? I'm okay with that now, because it's a part of my testimony. Of course I have my days when I think about what it would be like to hear her laughter in the next room as she's watching her favorite TV show (I like to imagine we'd like the same shows), and days when I cry because I miss her so much, and even days when I'm angry at myself because I realize I can't readily remember what she sounded like. Thing is, even though I have bad days, I can always think about how her death has given me hope.

I pray to one day be so blessed that I can leave such a lasting impression on a child (or children) of my own. My mom was only here for 10 years of my life, but she is still my biggest influence and motivation. We no longer live in the same world, but I am still her daughter and I still live to make her proud. She is a big part of the reason I came back to God. She is the reason I push myself everyday to be kinder to people than they are to me. There aren't many people I know now who ever met my mom. It is up to me to let who she was shine through me so the people I love can get to know the woman who loved me so much. Once I realized that, I had no choice but to turn to God and ask Him for forgiveness and to show me how to love. I chose to stop being angry that she is no longer here on Earth with me and to see the point of it all instead. It was then that I could finally understand how much God loves me. I had no reference point before because I was so hurt and bitter and mad at the world. I couldn't see how much love I had already experienced; I couldn't see that I actually did have a very good example of how to express love. I allowed myself to detach from all I had learned from the first positive experience of love I'd ever known because I couldn't handle the pain of losing it.

I repressed so many thoughts and memories and emotions that I am just now, at 24, getting to this layer of truth. It's taken me way more time to explore and destroy all of the defenses I fortified than it took to build them in the first place. And now here I stand, finally getting it. The same way I want to exude who I know my mother was so those who never met her can know her too, is the same way I am to represent all that God IS so others can get to know Him.  Subconsciously searching for the love my mommy had for me brought me right to the feet of my Father. It was a long, rough road with many detours and a lot of doubling back, but by His grace I AM HERE. I am here to still learn and grow and most of all, to love. And I thank God for all it took to get me here, including all my mother was to me in the ten years I got to know her because almost fifteen years later it was enough to gather me and bring me back.

To Be Continued [Pt. 1]

It's taken me almost fifteen years to confront the moment when my entire world was turned upside down, when nothing made sense anymore, when the only person who truly understood me lie there in front of my ten year old eyes, lifeless.

That very next morning after her mommy's birthday, all ten years of her got in the shower and cried so hard. She washed away everything that made her who she was before she saw death in the flesh for the first time. She, too, became lifeless.  She was very smart for her age, but her little ten year old brain could barely comprehend life, let alone what had just happened. And the only person who could explain it to her in a way that she would understand was gone, which only made her cry more. Everything was blurry and dark and confusing so she just stopped moving...everything. She turned everything off and from that moment, life only happened TO her. Completely detached from reality, she just watched from outside of herself with ten year old eyes as her body merely went through the motions of the world. She was forced to don the hat of someone much older, but, barely alive, she never really grew up. That same little girl from that same morning in December of 1999 stood idle in that same shower for FOURTEEN YEARS waiting for life to make sense again.  In that shower, she let anger rule her because being mad was all she could cling to.

Then she got tired, so "strong" she became weak. Everything that happened around her began crashing down and falling apart, again. She fell to her knees because she couldn't hold everything on her own anymore, and the pain from the sudden smack into reality awakened her.

She realized life was happening whether she was mad or not. She accepted that she couldn't just stand there waiting for everything to magically make sense again; she had to DO something. She had to move. She had to go find herself and catch up on everything she'd missed. She had to make the choice to allow herself to feel all of her feelings, past and present. My ten year old self had to be brave enough to face the, now 24 year old, body she'd purposely neglected. Only brought together again could I begin to heal and get to where I am now: writing about how it took almost fifteen years to get here, to be able talk about it.

To be continued...

Love Lives

Love exists.

I was born because of love. I'm still here because of love. I've overcome because of love. I am healthy because of love. I grow because of love. I am protected because of love. I am forgiven because of love. I am changed because of love. I can think because of love. I can feel because of love. I can see because of love. I can love, because of love. And everyday I wake up, I know love exists.

I am...because of love.

Expect More. Pay Less.

Last night, in a very normal telephone conversation, a slew of words came flying out of my mouth; unbeknownst to me, the words carried a lot of weight. Although I said them in a very matter-of-fact manner, with each syllable I realized I meant what I said much more than I knew. As the final word was fired, I instantly felt how loaded the statement was:

"Show me something different, then maybe I'll believe something different..." 

I keep hearing the same words while being shown the same mismatched actions, and it's expected of me to just "understand" and "accept" it. But I will not and I am proud of myself for that.

"Show me something different, then maybe I'll believe something different; maybe I'll believe what you say..." 

It's such a simple request that I once didn't have the courage to express, thinking I would come across demanding or controlling or like a difficult to please "angry Black woman." But I'm becoming strong enough and confident enough to recognize that I can have standards and basic expectations. I don't HAVE to downplay the magnitude of what I know I deserve from a person or a situation just to make someone else comfortable. And neither do you. I don't have to be brash and blunt, but I can definitely plant myself firmly in what I know I'm worthy of . And so can you.

The bare minimum has become the standard for so many people, but you don't have to be okay with that. Stop letting people's words and intentions and promises be IT for you; you deserve so much more. You are worthy.  You are more than worthy. A person can tell you how he/she feels until there are no more words left to describe their feelings, and then what? That can't be all there is.

Don't be fooled by the whole, "you must be special because I don't usually care this much" crap. It's crap. Just because it takes effort for someone to be caring and respectful and kind IN GENERAL doesn't mean you're "special" when he/she is caring, respectful, or kind to you. So, that person calls you sometimes just to casually see what's up with you; that's supposed to mean, "I like you and I want to get to know on a more intimate level"? Yeah, that person sends you "good morning" texts occasionally; just that is supposed to magically mean, "You're special to me"? When a person is truly interested, he/she has no qualms about openly expressing and showing said interest.

Don't settle for being just better than someone's worst or just above a person's inadequacies. You come out of the womb deserving the basic respect and kindness a human being should have towards another human being, FOR FREE. If a person tells you their feelings for you extend beyond basic humaneness, it's okay to want to receive more than a basic show of effort.

"Show me something different, then maybe I'll believe something different; maybe I'll believe what you say you feel for me." 

I'm Not Interested

There's a thin line between knowing what you won't tolerate and being rigid in what you won't tolerate. I'm learning how to navigate the more understanding side of that, but sometimes I have to let it be known that I am just not interested. I've finally accepted that it's okay for there to be things that just don't sit right with me.

I covered already how I can be "judgy." To "master" that flaw, I convinced myself that not judging people means accepting and tolerating EVERYthing. But I don't have to be uncomfortable or force myself to deal with aspects of people that I can't or don't want to handle; that's what God is for.  He has the power, patience, and strength needed to conquer anything and anyone. That's not on me, and that's okay. If I'm meant to deal with something or someone, God will provide me with the tools necessary to do so.

I'm not interested in fighting and forcing and controlling and convincing and manipulating anymore. I'm not interested in people who don't want to be better, who only want to take from me, who refuse to grow up, who cause me to feel anything less than what I deserve; I'm just not interested in anything that, or anyone who, doesn't align with God's purpose for me in some way, shape, or form. Donning this new mentality is revealing to me so fast who doesn't fit in His plan for my life. It's scary, but I trust that He knows what & who I should and shouldn't be interested in.

The converse is also true; if someone shows no interest, I don't take it personally. It's still what's best for me because whatever is meant for me will be for me. I don't have to feign interest anymore nor do I have to stick around for anything or anyone while knowing I'm not interested. The things that cross my path that don't feel right don't feel right for a reason. I'm learning to trust that.

Conviction is so real and I'm not sorry when I'm convicted to say yes nor am I sorry when I'm convicted to say no, because I'm just not interested in ignoring God anymore.

As A Woman... [Pt. 2]

I'm going to keep saying this: I am human.

Being human means that I have thoughts, and feelings, and emotions. Feelings and emotions are not "ladies only" aspects of humanity. It is okay as a woman AND as a man to have them and express them...because we are human.

Over the years, however, I convinced myself that men aren't capable of expressing their feelings. I began to make excuses for why a guy "couldn't" SHOW me he loved me like he SAID he did. I began to convince myself that it was my role as a woman to coddle and coax a man to communicate his feelings for me in both action and in words. I allowed myself to believe that my feelings and emotions weren't "okay" because, well, I was only "being a woman."  I continued to repeat the same patterned behavior with men because I thought as a woman I was supposed to see a man's potential then patiently cultivate it to fruition.

NO.

As a woman, it is not my responsibility to govern and wait on a man's growth. As a woman, it is not my job to apologize for how I feel nor is it my job to stifle the healthy expression of my feelings for anyone, man or woman. As a woman, it is not on me to convince a man that he should tell me how he feels, but more than anything, he should SHOW me. As a woman, I shouldn't have to basically manipulate a man to treat me right: "If I do this then maybe he'll do that. If I say this then maybe he'll say that"

NO!! (Sorry for yelling lol)

I had to smarten up and realize being a woman does not mean being a mother to all men. As a woman, I cannot change or fix anyone; that's not my job. Only God has the power to bring forth change in a person, and even then said person has to be open to His spirit. As a woman, I don't have to invest my time and energy into trying to make a man into a better person. As a woman, I don't have to settle for less than I deserve.

As a woman, all I have to be is genuine in who I am at all times while standing strong in what I believe. Those who are meant to love and respect me will love and respect me for ME, not for what I do for them. I don't need to do or say anything in order to to fit in or be accepted as a woman.

As A Woman... [Pt. 1]

It seems to be the "year of the woman" for me and for the women in my life whom I have close relationships. I speak for myself, though, when I say this journey is showing me that almost everything I thought a woman was is absolutely not what a woman truly is.

First and foremost, I am a human being.  I possess feelings and emotions, NOT because I am a woman but because I am human. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in womanhood is that what makes me human isn't only to be reserved for romantic relationships. I was under the impression that I was only to be vulnerable for the man with whom I'm involved, that I was to reserve any love and invested emotion I possessed for "my man" only. I thought that, as a woman, my identity wasn't whole until I was able to say, "I have a man who loves me and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me." But that couldn't be any less true.

As a woman, I'm realizing that my identity is found most within the platonic relationships I have, especially within my relationships with other women.  Only recently am I discovering this; my friends and family can tell you, up until recently I always maintained a level of emotional detachment. I didn't express my feelings for them, sadly, because I didn't allow myself to have them. I didn't know it was okay to have them. Now that I am exploring and developing that part of myself, I can say I've received no greater unconditional love, encouragement, and motivation from human beings.

As a woman, I love my friends and my family. I am allowed to feel AND express love, happiness, sadness, excitement, frustration, etc. towards them because I am attached to those close to me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that's okay.

Amazing Grace

It's so easy to get sidetracked and distracted by everything going on in the world, especially when it's time to face yourself. For me, there's no turning back now in this journey towards myself, my purpose. The further I inch along, the harder it is to accept and apply the lessons I'm receiving. At the same time, however, it feels good. The fight that the broken parts of me keep putting up lets me know that I am on the right track. The enemy HATES that I won't lie down with him so easily anymore.

I once was lost and now I'm...still lost. But I found Jesus along the way; so being lost doesn't feel like fumbling around in the dark anymore. Being lost now has meaning. I know exactly what I am seeking and I am learning how to get to it everyday. It gets frustrating. It gets overwhelming. It even gets down right saddening, but it's all worth it. I am not alone, ever. And I KNOW that now. 

The beauty in such a discovery is powerfully frightening because that means there is no more hiding, no more running, no more excuses. The way was made for me already; I sought its path and it has been revealed. 

My move.

"Words Mean Things"

One of my cousin's says often, sometimes in a joking manner, that words mean things. That couldn't be more true. The words you read, hear, and speak mean things to your life. It's important to be aware of who your words can touch or how someone else's words can effect you.

For awhile, I lost my voice. I lost the meaning of words to my life. Words are who I am. I love to talk, to write, to read, and to engage in dialogue. I love words. When I lost the urge to read and write, I lost a part of myself. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings, but I wasn't putting them on paper or typing them onto a screen. I had no way of referring back to past experiences by way of my own account in written form. Essentially, I had no outlet that was true to who I am as the person I was made to be.

I was reading God's word, but I wasn't reflecting on it in the ways I am now. I wasn't spending real alone time with myself and with Him to give praise and thanks to words. My words, His word, positive words, they're all important to me. However, I silenced myself to appease the comfortability levels of others. And I tried to silence God, but He cannot be silenced. He is everywhere and I am reminded of that everyday I connect more with all of the words flowing through me.

These words aren't my own. Yes, they come from my direction, from my perspective, and from my experiences, but the words I give life to on paper or on this blog don't originate as a truth from my own human brain. I am completely convicted in everything I say and write. The words sometimes rush out of me with such urgency that I know I am not the sole author.

God gave me a voice and I will use it; don't ever let anyone stifle it or steal it. Protect your voice as you would protect your heart, because it is the mouth piece for the wellspring of life.

Listen Up

So many relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, I approached with the idea that I could somehow control everything. I ignored red flags, signs, and basically the entire person. I thought I could inspire, force, or manipulate change. I convinced myself that who a person showed me he/she  was could be excused and rationalized. I convinced myself that it was somehow my fault and I made myself believe that if I adapted and changed to people they would do the same for me. In recent years, I've learned that that mindset is the furthest from the truth and the furthest from healthy.

There was a guy. I didn't really know him that well, but since he'd been in my life on and off since before I was a teenager, I convinced myself otherwise. From the very beginning I was shown that we were on different pages in life, but I still tried. I convinced myself that who he was was good for me because he was completely different than what I'd typically go for. I assessed his qualities and possessions and theorized our entire future. I essentially plugged him into this "full proof" equation I made up, completely ignoring who he was as an individual.

Fast forward, our relationship was full of tension from beginning to end with some good times in between. I did not accept him for who he was and kept trying to change him "for the better" although his actions showed he just wasn't ready. I changed myself, shrunk myself, and convinced myself that the things that mattered to me weren't "that serious" just to appease him. I thought I could bargain pieces of myself for what I wanted and needed. When it didn't work, I would get upset, angry, and sometimes volatile. I couldn't control him and it pissed. me. OFF.

I was so angry and unhappy and unsure and miserable and hopeless with this guy for too long of time to keep trying. So when I finally reached my fed up point, I felt relieved. I experienced a sense of clarity like no other, because I asked God to give me direction. I yelled and cried and prayed and cried some more. I stopped fighting the conviction I was feeling to let him go and started listening to God. It was then that I realized what I had to do.

Once I let go, so many opportunities began to come my way and most of all my relationship with God began to reveal itself as priority. I was so focused on other people for so long that I was completely neglecting God, thus I was completely neglecting myself. I blamed who I was with for hurting me and not giving me the love I deserved, but I had to realize a super important thing: I ALLOWED IT.

People have showed me and told me who they were and instead of taking heed to the flags they were throwing, I just kept flagging them. I was afraid to trust God and trust myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I've done plenty to people that I'm not proud of. With this guy, some of the things I've said and done to him plenty of others would have walked away. We were just both trying to make something out of what God was clearly showing us He didn't want us to have. Then, we blamed each other.

You can't blame people, though, for being exactly who they showed you and told you they are. That's not fair. If you decide to stay and deal, then you also decide to accept them COMPLETELY. And if it doesn't work out, there are no fingers to be pointed. It's okay to want to try, but don't blame yourself or the other person when it doesn't work out. God is just saying, "no" or "not right now" and that's also okay

Listen to Him. God is ALWAYS right. ANYthing He has for you won't have to be forced, coerced, or manipulated because what He has for you IS for you. But more importantly, when the time has run out on something or someone He wanted you to have for a purpose, you MUST let it go and trust that He knows what's best. So many doors open up when You simply allow His will to be done.

"If we crawl 'til we can walk 

again, then we'll run until we're 

strong enough to jump. Then

we'll fly until there is no end; so, 

let's crawl...back to love."  

- Chris Brown, “Crawl”

Praise the Pain

If the bad things that happen in your life don't teach you anything, they teach you who you are. Mishaps teach you where to be more careful. Pain teaches you your strength. Having to let someone or something go teaches you what your limits are and what your worth is. There is a small shout of praise in each and every uncontrollable and controllable circumstance. The trick is you can't just simply get over it or under it; you have to work THROUGH it to find the shout.

Matthew 7:1-5

Be careful of your judgment of others.

I am a very judgmental person; most of us are. We just tend to give it different names to make ourselves feel better about it. My alternate name of choice: Observant. I pride myself on how observant I am. I walk into a room and decide I know everybody within the first two minutes just by scanning the room for nonverbal & verbal cues. I decide who I can talk to freely and who I have to talk to with a censor. I determine who is going to rub me the wrong way and who I will automatically vibe with. Who do I think I am, right?

I think I am exactly who I was shown I need to be. As a kid I was always the different one: the only kid with the mom who was in a wheelchair, the only kid with the mom who had cancer, the only kid with the mom who passed away, the only kid from Philly, the only Black kid, the only distant relative. My identifiers always made me stand out & I was constantly judged as soon as I walked into a room. I could feel it. I could feel the pity, or dislike, or jealousy, or plain ol' negativity radiating towards me. I had enough of feeling like I didn't belong so I responded by turning myself into someone who was going to decide who belongs with me instead. I decided I didn't like anyone until they showed me something to like. I decided I would give into being shy because it was easier than walking into a situation with who I am available for everyone to see. You can't judge what someone doesn't allow you to see or know, right?

Wrong.

Straight up...I was insecure. I am insecure. And there's power in knowing that, believe it or not. Here's why: I can actually DO something about it. I now know that all of the years I was made to feel like I didn't belong hurt me deeply. I just wanted to be accepted. I now know that the reason I judge others is because I want to "do it to them before they can do it to me." I've come to realize that I care a lot about what people think about me & even more what people have to say about me, so much so that it's crippling. My confidence was shot early on and the way I compensate for that is by being closed off, judgmental, and sometimes downright mean.

I'm just now accepting that those things about myself are what's not okay. I am observant but that is not the same as being overly critical and harshly judgmental. Interacting with family and friends who keep it real with me has given me the tools to begin to change that about myself. The best advice anyone has ever given me is to love myself 100% so that I may be myself 100% no matter who I encounter. The best advice I have ever given myself is to never ever shrink the person I am for anyone else ever again.

It's a process to overcome those deeply rooted internal obstacles but remember, all obstacles are rooted in nothing other than fear. Conquer the fear; conquer the obstacle. We have nothing to fear on this earth, including the criticisms, opinions, thoughts, and feelings of others. Who you are in your heart is exactly who you are supposed to be. No person knows who you are better than God; He created you, everything about you. If you want to truly know who you are you must ask God to show you who He created you to be. And once you realize His opinion is the only opinion that matters, you won't care about being judged by anyone. You won't feel the need to judge others either, for any reason.

Every single person who meets you won't be smitten with you and that's okay, just as much as it's okay for you not to be smitten with every single person you meet. As long as you are being genuine in who you really are, those who are meant for you will be for you.

Lesson: Give people a chance to know who you really are and give others a chance to show you who they are as well. Be careful of harsh judgments; you ever know the effect it may have.

What Did I Do?

I had a conversation last night that made me have to check myself & pray hard for forgiveness, discernment, and strength to change. I find that because I want the best for myself and pretty much everyone, especially the people in my immediate circle, I can be a bit abrasive and aggressive in how I express that passion.  Last night made that clearer for me to see than ever. Someone was trying to explain their thoughts and feelings about a particular perspective, and I unintentionally shut her down multiple times before she could completely finish. I thought I knew better than her. And then I did something even worse; I laughed. I didn't laugh at her. I laughed because I was nervous, but I can only imagine what that felt like for her. I can completely relate to what she probably felt, actually.

Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to express my feelings or thoughts. I was constantly shut down or cut off, so I stopped talking. I became so introverted that the adults in my life became worried that I might be suicidal. It was a rough time for me. I had nobody to talk to and because I didn't know God for myself yet, I felt alone; I didn't know I could talk to Him. I turned inward instead of turning to Him, completely consumed by my thoughts and feelings. I was only 15 but I was so exhausted and depressed, because I felt like expressing myself didn't matter to anyone. Of course the teen years are filled with a lot of angsty drama-filled emotions, but what I was feeling I wouldn't wish on any teenager. It became normal for me to walk around filled with exploded matter that I had no place to let out.

In almost all of my romantic relationships I mimicked the same behavior, except eventually I learned to speak up. I learned to speak up so well that I shifted completely to the opposite of staying quiet, to the extreme. I verbalized, & still do verbalize, so much as a way to get back all of those years that I felt I couldn't say anything. My solution became, "I'm never going to allow myself to hold things in ever again" and that's been my motto. That solution can also create issues, but that's for another blog post.

I'm paraphrasing, but my point is: we have to be careful about the ways in which we communicate.

Unhealthy habits related to communication can make or break any relationship. They can make or break a person. If you know how it feels to be shut down or to not be allowed to express yourself freely, try your best not to make someone else feel the same way. That's a start.  If you've mostly been exposed to situations in which the communication was unhealthy, it may be hard to not take on those habits yourself. However, they're not impossible to overcome and/or unlearn. Be honest in the assessment of how you communicate, on both the receiving and expressing parts. Think about the things you can do to be a better listener and evaluate the ways in which you can express yourself more effectively. Without healthy dialogue with others we cannot relate. If we cannot relate to one another, we cannot truly learn and grow as individuals.

Lesson: Allow others to express themselves and LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT OR A PREMATURE READINESS TO REPLY.

What Is This?

For about a week, I struggled with what I wanted "Pretty Wings" to look like, sound like, and feel like. I didn't want to post just anything for the sake of saying, "I'm blogging again" and I also didn't want to write posts with the vague, guarded, fake-mysterious tone I have used in the past. I called a friend and received some great advice. I prayed on it. I went through different scenarios and ideas over and over again.

And then...

I stopped thinking.

The point of this blog is for me to feel free to be myself and express myself without overthinking and without fearing scrutiny and judgment. The purpose of this writing space, is for me to be able to openly and honestly share the journey I have chosen to fully dive into: finding myself. By sharing personal experiences, lessons I have learned (and am still learning), accomplishments, prayers, etc., I hope to encourage, empower, motivate, or simply foster relatability. Don't get me wrong, this blog is definitely a necessary form of therapy for myself, but I also pray that it does something, anything, for anyone else.

So, I declare "Pretty Wings" an intimate, judgement free zone full of love, peace, honesty, understanding, and all facets of humanity. I am human; you are human. We are all human, and that's okay. It's a very special honor to be human and even more special to be you. That's what "Pretty Wings" is all about: discovering your SELF.

Let's get our fly on.