So many relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, I approached with the idea that I could somehow control everything. I ignored red flags, signs, and basically the entire person. I thought I could inspire, force, or manipulate change. I convinced myself that who a person showed me he/she was could be excused and rationalized. I convinced myself that it was somehow my fault and I made myself believe that if I adapted and changed to people they would do the same for me. In recent years, I've learned that that mindset is the furthest from the truth and the furthest from healthy.
There was a guy. I didn't really know him that well, but since he'd been in my life on and off since before I was a teenager, I convinced myself otherwise. From the very beginning I was shown that we were on different pages in life, but I still tried. I convinced myself that who he was was good for me because he was completely different than what I'd typically go for. I assessed his qualities and possessions and theorized our entire future. I essentially plugged him into this "full proof" equation I made up, completely ignoring who he was as an individual.
Fast forward, our relationship was full of tension from beginning to end with some good times in between. I did not accept him for who he was and kept trying to change him "for the better" although his actions showed he just wasn't ready. I changed myself, shrunk myself, and convinced myself that the things that mattered to me weren't "that serious" just to appease him. I thought I could bargain pieces of myself for what I wanted and needed. When it didn't work, I would get upset, angry, and sometimes volatile. I couldn't control him and it pissed. me. OFF.
I was so angry and unhappy and unsure and miserable and hopeless with this guy for too long of time to keep trying. So when I finally reached my fed up point, I felt relieved. I experienced a sense of clarity like no other, because I asked God to give me direction. I yelled and cried and prayed and cried some more. I stopped fighting the conviction I was feeling to let him go and started listening to God. It was then that I realized what I had to do.
Once I let go, so many opportunities began to come my way and most of all my relationship with God began to reveal itself as priority. I was so focused on other people for so long that I was completely neglecting God, thus I was completely neglecting myself. I blamed who I was with for hurting me and not giving me the love I deserved, but I had to realize a super important thing: I ALLOWED IT.
People have showed me and told me who they were and instead of taking heed to the flags they were throwing, I just kept flagging them. I was afraid to trust God and trust myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I've done plenty to people that I'm not proud of. With this guy, some of the things I've said and done to him plenty of others would have walked away. We were just both trying to make something out of what God was clearly showing us He didn't want us to have. Then, we blamed each other.
You can't blame people, though, for being exactly who they showed you and told you they are. That's not fair. If you decide to stay and deal, then you also decide to accept them COMPLETELY. And if it doesn't work out, there are no fingers to be pointed. It's okay to want to try, but don't blame yourself or the other person when it doesn't work out. God is just saying, "no" or "not right now" and that's also okay
Listen to Him. God is ALWAYS right. ANYthing He has for you won't have to be forced, coerced, or manipulated because what He has for you IS for you. But more importantly, when the time has run out on something or someone He wanted you to have for a purpose, you MUST let it go and trust that He knows what's best. So many doors open up when You simply allow His will to be done.
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