Amazing Grace

It's so easy to get sidetracked and distracted by everything going on in the world, especially when it's time to face yourself. For me, there's no turning back now in this journey towards myself, my purpose. The further I inch along, the harder it is to accept and apply the lessons I'm receiving. At the same time, however, it feels good. The fight that the broken parts of me keep putting up lets me know that I am on the right track. The enemy HATES that I won't lie down with him so easily anymore.

I once was lost and now I'm...still lost. But I found Jesus along the way; so being lost doesn't feel like fumbling around in the dark anymore. Being lost now has meaning. I know exactly what I am seeking and I am learning how to get to it everyday. It gets frustrating. It gets overwhelming. It even gets down right saddening, but it's all worth it. I am not alone, ever. And I KNOW that now. 

The beauty in such a discovery is powerfully frightening because that means there is no more hiding, no more running, no more excuses. The way was made for me already; I sought its path and it has been revealed. 

My move.

"Words Mean Things"

One of my cousin's says often, sometimes in a joking manner, that words mean things. That couldn't be more true. The words you read, hear, and speak mean things to your life. It's important to be aware of who your words can touch or how someone else's words can effect you.

For awhile, I lost my voice. I lost the meaning of words to my life. Words are who I am. I love to talk, to write, to read, and to engage in dialogue. I love words. When I lost the urge to read and write, I lost a part of myself. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings, but I wasn't putting them on paper or typing them onto a screen. I had no way of referring back to past experiences by way of my own account in written form. Essentially, I had no outlet that was true to who I am as the person I was made to be.

I was reading God's word, but I wasn't reflecting on it in the ways I am now. I wasn't spending real alone time with myself and with Him to give praise and thanks to words. My words, His word, positive words, they're all important to me. However, I silenced myself to appease the comfortability levels of others. And I tried to silence God, but He cannot be silenced. He is everywhere and I am reminded of that everyday I connect more with all of the words flowing through me.

These words aren't my own. Yes, they come from my direction, from my perspective, and from my experiences, but the words I give life to on paper or on this blog don't originate as a truth from my own human brain. I am completely convicted in everything I say and write. The words sometimes rush out of me with such urgency that I know I am not the sole author.

God gave me a voice and I will use it; don't ever let anyone stifle it or steal it. Protect your voice as you would protect your heart, because it is the mouth piece for the wellspring of life.

Listen Up

So many relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, I approached with the idea that I could somehow control everything. I ignored red flags, signs, and basically the entire person. I thought I could inspire, force, or manipulate change. I convinced myself that who a person showed me he/she  was could be excused and rationalized. I convinced myself that it was somehow my fault and I made myself believe that if I adapted and changed to people they would do the same for me. In recent years, I've learned that that mindset is the furthest from the truth and the furthest from healthy.

There was a guy. I didn't really know him that well, but since he'd been in my life on and off since before I was a teenager, I convinced myself otherwise. From the very beginning I was shown that we were on different pages in life, but I still tried. I convinced myself that who he was was good for me because he was completely different than what I'd typically go for. I assessed his qualities and possessions and theorized our entire future. I essentially plugged him into this "full proof" equation I made up, completely ignoring who he was as an individual.

Fast forward, our relationship was full of tension from beginning to end with some good times in between. I did not accept him for who he was and kept trying to change him "for the better" although his actions showed he just wasn't ready. I changed myself, shrunk myself, and convinced myself that the things that mattered to me weren't "that serious" just to appease him. I thought I could bargain pieces of myself for what I wanted and needed. When it didn't work, I would get upset, angry, and sometimes volatile. I couldn't control him and it pissed. me. OFF.

I was so angry and unhappy and unsure and miserable and hopeless with this guy for too long of time to keep trying. So when I finally reached my fed up point, I felt relieved. I experienced a sense of clarity like no other, because I asked God to give me direction. I yelled and cried and prayed and cried some more. I stopped fighting the conviction I was feeling to let him go and started listening to God. It was then that I realized what I had to do.

Once I let go, so many opportunities began to come my way and most of all my relationship with God began to reveal itself as priority. I was so focused on other people for so long that I was completely neglecting God, thus I was completely neglecting myself. I blamed who I was with for hurting me and not giving me the love I deserved, but I had to realize a super important thing: I ALLOWED IT.

People have showed me and told me who they were and instead of taking heed to the flags they were throwing, I just kept flagging them. I was afraid to trust God and trust myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I've done plenty to people that I'm not proud of. With this guy, some of the things I've said and done to him plenty of others would have walked away. We were just both trying to make something out of what God was clearly showing us He didn't want us to have. Then, we blamed each other.

You can't blame people, though, for being exactly who they showed you and told you they are. That's not fair. If you decide to stay and deal, then you also decide to accept them COMPLETELY. And if it doesn't work out, there are no fingers to be pointed. It's okay to want to try, but don't blame yourself or the other person when it doesn't work out. God is just saying, "no" or "not right now" and that's also okay

Listen to Him. God is ALWAYS right. ANYthing He has for you won't have to be forced, coerced, or manipulated because what He has for you IS for you. But more importantly, when the time has run out on something or someone He wanted you to have for a purpose, you MUST let it go and trust that He knows what's best. So many doors open up when You simply allow His will to be done.

"If we crawl 'til we can walk 

again, then we'll run until we're 

strong enough to jump. Then

we'll fly until there is no end; so, 

let's crawl...back to love."  

- Chris Brown, “Crawl”

Praise the Pain

If the bad things that happen in your life don't teach you anything, they teach you who you are. Mishaps teach you where to be more careful. Pain teaches you your strength. Having to let someone or something go teaches you what your limits are and what your worth is. There is a small shout of praise in each and every uncontrollable and controllable circumstance. The trick is you can't just simply get over it or under it; you have to work THROUGH it to find the shout.

Matthew 7:1-5

Be careful of your judgment of others.

I am a very judgmental person; most of us are. We just tend to give it different names to make ourselves feel better about it. My alternate name of choice: Observant. I pride myself on how observant I am. I walk into a room and decide I know everybody within the first two minutes just by scanning the room for nonverbal & verbal cues. I decide who I can talk to freely and who I have to talk to with a censor. I determine who is going to rub me the wrong way and who I will automatically vibe with. Who do I think I am, right?

I think I am exactly who I was shown I need to be. As a kid I was always the different one: the only kid with the mom who was in a wheelchair, the only kid with the mom who had cancer, the only kid with the mom who passed away, the only kid from Philly, the only Black kid, the only distant relative. My identifiers always made me stand out & I was constantly judged as soon as I walked into a room. I could feel it. I could feel the pity, or dislike, or jealousy, or plain ol' negativity radiating towards me. I had enough of feeling like I didn't belong so I responded by turning myself into someone who was going to decide who belongs with me instead. I decided I didn't like anyone until they showed me something to like. I decided I would give into being shy because it was easier than walking into a situation with who I am available for everyone to see. You can't judge what someone doesn't allow you to see or know, right?

Wrong.

Straight up...I was insecure. I am insecure. And there's power in knowing that, believe it or not. Here's why: I can actually DO something about it. I now know that all of the years I was made to feel like I didn't belong hurt me deeply. I just wanted to be accepted. I now know that the reason I judge others is because I want to "do it to them before they can do it to me." I've come to realize that I care a lot about what people think about me & even more what people have to say about me, so much so that it's crippling. My confidence was shot early on and the way I compensate for that is by being closed off, judgmental, and sometimes downright mean.

I'm just now accepting that those things about myself are what's not okay. I am observant but that is not the same as being overly critical and harshly judgmental. Interacting with family and friends who keep it real with me has given me the tools to begin to change that about myself. The best advice anyone has ever given me is to love myself 100% so that I may be myself 100% no matter who I encounter. The best advice I have ever given myself is to never ever shrink the person I am for anyone else ever again.

It's a process to overcome those deeply rooted internal obstacles but remember, all obstacles are rooted in nothing other than fear. Conquer the fear; conquer the obstacle. We have nothing to fear on this earth, including the criticisms, opinions, thoughts, and feelings of others. Who you are in your heart is exactly who you are supposed to be. No person knows who you are better than God; He created you, everything about you. If you want to truly know who you are you must ask God to show you who He created you to be. And once you realize His opinion is the only opinion that matters, you won't care about being judged by anyone. You won't feel the need to judge others either, for any reason.

Every single person who meets you won't be smitten with you and that's okay, just as much as it's okay for you not to be smitten with every single person you meet. As long as you are being genuine in who you really are, those who are meant for you will be for you.

Lesson: Give people a chance to know who you really are and give others a chance to show you who they are as well. Be careful of harsh judgments; you ever know the effect it may have.

What Did I Do?

I had a conversation last night that made me have to check myself & pray hard for forgiveness, discernment, and strength to change. I find that because I want the best for myself and pretty much everyone, especially the people in my immediate circle, I can be a bit abrasive and aggressive in how I express that passion.  Last night made that clearer for me to see than ever. Someone was trying to explain their thoughts and feelings about a particular perspective, and I unintentionally shut her down multiple times before she could completely finish. I thought I knew better than her. And then I did something even worse; I laughed. I didn't laugh at her. I laughed because I was nervous, but I can only imagine what that felt like for her. I can completely relate to what she probably felt, actually.

Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to express my feelings or thoughts. I was constantly shut down or cut off, so I stopped talking. I became so introverted that the adults in my life became worried that I might be suicidal. It was a rough time for me. I had nobody to talk to and because I didn't know God for myself yet, I felt alone; I didn't know I could talk to Him. I turned inward instead of turning to Him, completely consumed by my thoughts and feelings. I was only 15 but I was so exhausted and depressed, because I felt like expressing myself didn't matter to anyone. Of course the teen years are filled with a lot of angsty drama-filled emotions, but what I was feeling I wouldn't wish on any teenager. It became normal for me to walk around filled with exploded matter that I had no place to let out.

In almost all of my romantic relationships I mimicked the same behavior, except eventually I learned to speak up. I learned to speak up so well that I shifted completely to the opposite of staying quiet, to the extreme. I verbalized, & still do verbalize, so much as a way to get back all of those years that I felt I couldn't say anything. My solution became, "I'm never going to allow myself to hold things in ever again" and that's been my motto. That solution can also create issues, but that's for another blog post.

I'm paraphrasing, but my point is: we have to be careful about the ways in which we communicate.

Unhealthy habits related to communication can make or break any relationship. They can make or break a person. If you know how it feels to be shut down or to not be allowed to express yourself freely, try your best not to make someone else feel the same way. That's a start.  If you've mostly been exposed to situations in which the communication was unhealthy, it may be hard to not take on those habits yourself. However, they're not impossible to overcome and/or unlearn. Be honest in the assessment of how you communicate, on both the receiving and expressing parts. Think about the things you can do to be a better listener and evaluate the ways in which you can express yourself more effectively. Without healthy dialogue with others we cannot relate. If we cannot relate to one another, we cannot truly learn and grow as individuals.

Lesson: Allow others to express themselves and LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT OR A PREMATURE READINESS TO REPLY.

What Is This?

For about a week, I struggled with what I wanted "Pretty Wings" to look like, sound like, and feel like. I didn't want to post just anything for the sake of saying, "I'm blogging again" and I also didn't want to write posts with the vague, guarded, fake-mysterious tone I have used in the past. I called a friend and received some great advice. I prayed on it. I went through different scenarios and ideas over and over again.

And then...

I stopped thinking.

The point of this blog is for me to feel free to be myself and express myself without overthinking and without fearing scrutiny and judgment. The purpose of this writing space, is for me to be able to openly and honestly share the journey I have chosen to fully dive into: finding myself. By sharing personal experiences, lessons I have learned (and am still learning), accomplishments, prayers, etc., I hope to encourage, empower, motivate, or simply foster relatability. Don't get me wrong, this blog is definitely a necessary form of therapy for myself, but I also pray that it does something, anything, for anyone else.

So, I declare "Pretty Wings" an intimate, judgement free zone full of love, peace, honesty, understanding, and all facets of humanity. I am human; you are human. We are all human, and that's okay. It's a very special honor to be human and even more special to be you. That's what "Pretty Wings" is all about: discovering your SELF.

Let's get our fly on.